Dog Humor

TO: GOD FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the ” Chrysler Beagle”?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

What I Must Remember
— by the Dog

I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.
I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

RULES FOR DOGS

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. …Eat a shoe

MORE DOG RULES

Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his dog house can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.

Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.

Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.

Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores, he’s got to leave the room.

Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you’re now sleeping. That’s just not fair.

The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as “primary resident” even if it’s true.

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.

Wear a sock to work that has had the toe shredded by a blender.

Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, “Be a good puppy, go potty now – hurry up -come on, lets go!”

Cover all your best suits with dog hair.

Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair.

Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

Play “catch” with a wet tennis ball.

Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that’s where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company)

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting: “No no! Do that OUTSIDE!” Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver, it’s going to get chewed on anyway.

Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.

Author Unknown

If I like it, it’s mine
If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine
If I can take it from you, it’s mine
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine
If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way
If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine
If it just looks like mine, it’s mine
If I saw it first, it’s mine
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine
If it’s broken, it’s yours